Whether it’s through the office new hire or friends celebrating birthdays, I seem to be reminded of my age a lot these days. 20-something. And most of the time, I really don’t feel like I embody the number. Sometimes I’m older. A lot of times, I feel much younger.
No, I’m not in want of some physical attributes (my boobs and height are fine, thank you). It’s just that, every now and then, I still feel like I’m a college kid – or a fresh grad, at the most: I’ve lost count of the times I’ve asked myself, panic-stricken, “What am I doing here?!" Only I now have bills and I use my own money to pay them. And I have this job where I actually need to get things done to get paid.
Till now, I enjoy what I did when I was younger: casting spells with “wands,” spoofing Gollum, A Walk to Remember, Backstreet Boys and Disney. My Facebook likes and posts are of things that college kids would also find interesting. My closet still has a few shirts with cartoons splattered all over the front, and going to work in office clothes sometimes feels like playing dress up. Not to mention that I am still occasionally clumsy and trip on covers of manholes.
No, I’m not in want of some physical attributes (my boobs and height are fine, thank you). It’s just that, every now and then, I still feel like I’m a college kid – or a fresh grad, at the most: I’ve lost count of the times I’ve asked myself, panic-stricken, “What am I doing here?!" Only I now have bills and I use my own money to pay them. And I have this job where I actually need to get things done to get paid.
Till now, I enjoy what I did when I was younger: casting spells with “wands,” spoofing Gollum, A Walk to Remember, Backstreet Boys and Disney. My Facebook likes and posts are of things that college kids would also find interesting. My closet still has a few shirts with cartoons splattered all over the front, and going to work in office clothes sometimes feels like playing dress up. Not to mention that I am still occasionally clumsy and trip on covers of manholes.
On the flipside, the years since graduation have been educational. With my own stuff and my friends’ equally colorful lives, I know that I’m not as innocent as I was years ago. More and more, I find myself being able to identify with shows like Friends, and movies like Eat, Pray, Love and One More Chance.
I have left and have been left behind. I have compromised and have asserted my right to not settle. I have felt so spent and have regathered myself several times, enforcing the lesson that validation is not what I should be working for in life. Hard choices are a staple in my life and these take away any hope for childish naivete.
In the midst of the schizophrenia, luckily, I have met lovely people who are ideal adults at first glance: mature, responsible and accomplished, but seem to live secret lives away from their offspring and in-laws. They have flawless execution of pranks and some are bigger dorks than I am. They commit the same mistakes people younger than them do. Most are just trying to figure out life, too.
Hands down, they’re some of the coolest people I have ever met. They switch from being grown-ups to being awkward adolescents better than anyone I know -- fictional or not.
And so I came to realize that maybe my split personality isn’t a sign of immaturity after all. I’m starting to think that “acting your age” is really an averaging thing: the times you’re too young offset the times you’re too old, and they meet in the middle where your actual age is waiting for you to claim it.
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