TALKING TO OURSELVES

I wrote this a few months back. It was a strange time. For very specific reasons, my sense for the “lostness” that so many of us feel occasionally or quite often was unusually heightened. Partly, this was written to admit to myself that there are many things that I am afraid of. Mostly, I wrote this to comfort myself.

Originally posted in my Facebook account, I am publishing this here now to remind me of that time. Also so I could remember that this is the piece that finally got me back into writing.
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At some point in our lives, we will be forced to ask the questions, “Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want?”

More often than not, these deeply unsettling and excruciatingly difficult questions come at the heels of some tragic, painful or disconcerting experience. A break up, dissatisfaction with work, a serious illness, some failure, a stupid choice, a series of stupid choices, general discontentment – times when what you thought you knew about yourself crumble or simply disappear.

The questions come once or several times in a lifetime. It would be lovely if there were ready answers to them each time they’re asked. For the ones who’ve figured it out, they do have go-to answers. But for the ones who are not there yet, there is this: I don’t know.

Once the three words are unleashed, they act like venom creeping into your bloodstream. Life begins to feel like falling into a blackhole: nothing to hold on to, no end in sight.

Maybe it’s the pace of our lives, the goals that we were conditioned to achieve, our general lifestyle that puts emphasis on end-products and results. Or maybe it’s the internet and innumerable self-help books and articles plaguing us with guidelines on how to live life. Perhaps it’s also because of the overwhelming number of possibilities and power given to us nowadays that we are forced to answer these questions frequently. Or our own impatience with ourselves.

The temptation to stand still and be frozen in the uncertainty is more real than we consciously know. Taking one step in any direction can seem to be “too risky.” What if I choose the wrong path and find out too late? What if my choice is not actually mine? And so the conscious examination of your life continues.

Times like these, when there seems to be no sense of security, it is important to be still. Withdraw from the world. Take a break and look into your soul. For how else will you know yourself? Ask the questions that have been waiting to be asked. Acknowledge them. Face them.

Company can be stifling during moments of inner struggle, but it is a necessity. We are always in danger of being too withdrawn, too caught up with our own thoughts, forgetful that the world is out there waiting for us, that human beings cannot be truly realized without interaction with others.

The ones who loved us before we were anything. The ones who have been there while we were trying to be something. The ones who want us to be whatever makes us happy and realize our potential in the best ways possible. These are the people who will reorient you, who will be able to make you feel that, yes, you don’t know where you’re headed now. But that’s ok. You’ll get there. Take that step, whichever direction it brings you. If it doesn’t pan out, we’ve got you.

As you go along, surrounded by this kind of support that allows you to carry on and stretch your boundaries, you slowly comprehend that the questions may not require an answer now. And the real danger may lie in the reality that the search and quest for our “identity” and “destination” can be so engrossing that we tend to forget that maybe the answers are not found and determined at the start of our journey but created and made along the way. The answers to life’s questions depend on the process of living life and not just the end goal we conceptualized.

With this in mind, maybe what we should ask ourselves more is “What kind of person do I want to become?”

It may sound like a less direct plan, opposed to what we have been told to “follow your passion” and “eyes on the prize.” But it would make us less prone to despair when things do not seem to be on our side. It gives room for flexibility and creativity without being directionless and lost.

I would think that the best way to live your life is when you look back and find that, hey, the response to my existential questions were not found in a list of "things to achieve." They manifested themselves through what I did on a daily basis, actions guided by knowing the kind of human being I wanted to become. Somehow, some way, I got myself to a place where I can say I have dedicated my life to becoming this kind of human being. Living everyday, making decisions and acting on them. Slowly, I got here. And now, I have my answers.