Bye, 2015

***Republishing because I accidentally deleted the original post dated 31 Dec 2015***

I spent Christmas and will probably be spending the New Year primarily with myself. As I said in my Christmas post, this holiday season is spent away from all that I know. Imagine that. A Filipino, whose rowdy Christmas festivities start in September, will be spending the holidays alone?  

When the day came, it actually was not as bad as I thought it would be. It was so good that I've been going around telling friends to try it at least once in their lives. 

Two friends joined me on Christmas Eve but Christmas Day was spent on my own, and it was refreshing. Quiet and peaceful.  

I walked around the city taking pictures, hunted around for a church with an English mass. After dreading the day, it turned out to be one of the most meaningful times of my life. I realized that that was the best gift I could ever have received: to feel serenity after everything that's happened.  

The walk drove home the meaning of something I keep saying, "I would rather be alone than be in a miserable relationship."  A theme persistent in 2015 that's definitely something worth holding on to for 2016. 

At the end of Christmas day, I did tear up a little before bed, pondering on what I did not have, but then I could tell myself, "You'll be fine. You already somewhat are. You're fine just the way you are. Keep going." and truly believe it after many many moments of crushing self-doubt and guilt. 

That scene in Fast and the Furious 7 where Paul Walker fights a boss goon in a speeding trailer truck that's headed off a cliff? That's my 2015. 

To say it was an uphill battle is an understatement. It was a wreck. I was *this* close to losing it. But like Brian in Fast 7, I got out albeit all beaten up and exhausted.  

It's the end of 2015. I'm alive. So are you. And that's one thing to be thankful, proud and happy about though everyday isn't full of stress-free idyllic days and self-paying bills. I still prefer to be alive than dead. Being alive means still having a chance to change things and be happier before I move on to the next life.  

Bye, 2015. If there's anything you've taught me, it's this: life's a bitch but never a bitch just for the sake of being one.  

Thank you for that.