In college, I was spoiled when it came to friends. I lived in the campus dorm which meant I had three roommates and shared the same home with around 800 other college kids. “Alone” was a foreign concept. There were always people milling around ready to be dragged into conversations about anything that your brains could scrounge, midnight trips to greasy fast-food chains, all-night “studying,” and walks around campus when you need them. There was never a shortage of company, drama, fun and misadventures.
So when I graduated and started working, I was surprised at how easy it was to become a hermit.
There were so many things that I had to deal with that sleeping and spacing out, or anything that would allow me to be blank, became my best friends just so I could give my mind a reprieve. If I was with others, I would often feel like I wasn’t there or end up going home emotionally and physically drained. “Alone” and “leave me be” were my new default settings.
Then, one lazy, solo flight Sunday afternoon, I came across ubuntu. Yes, it’s the computer OS (college memories), but it’s also the African philosophy of the essence of what it is to be human. It has two parts. The first part refers to a person’s use of his/her strengths on behalf of others. This gives birth to the second part which is about people “sharing their worth.” Ubuntu, ultimately, is brought about by interaction with other human beings, by relating with other people. It believes that we all have the desire and natural tendency to remain connected to other people.
It was hauntingly beautiful. It succinctly captured a big part — if not the very core — of human existence, but it also confronted me with the difficult reality that as much as we want to stay connected to others, it really does require effort from us. It’s said that the right people will come and find ways to stay in your life. That the good kinds of relationships are effortless. But it’s often not specified that even the healthiest relationships require work to keep them alive.
Life could easily morph into a lonely, isolated one. It’s a danger so real for any person. Work, further studies, responsibilities, chasing dreams and fulfilling missions can be so consuming and demanding that the psyche cannot be stretched to accommodate other forms of pressure. I’ll be honest, if there’s any trap that I keep falling into, it is this: I find it easier to deal with strangers than the ones closest to me. Often, other people, especially the ones I love the most, require special handling (emotional availability, yes?).
I really would like to thank Mark Zuckerberg and all the founders of mainstream social networking sites. Yes, these things are evil what with the selfies, abs shots, showing off, egotism, vanity, oversharing, spamming, cloyingly cheesy posts, annoyingly mundane Tweets/Facebook statuses -- and they render people incapable of proper human interaction (I'm not completely innocent of these either). Believe me, many times, I have wanted to throw a guy's phone out the window because he kept on checking it while we were out together, and I am all for outlawing phones when having meals with people so you can focus on each other.
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| Or maybe not, depends on WiFi really. (Photo source: fscinteractive.com) |
But if it weren’t for social media, I would not have kept friendships alive or hastened the establishment of new ones. It is where I become witness to others’ thoughts, opinions, and advocacies. It prevents me from living in the illusion — unconsciously or not — that the world revolves around me and that I am alone. It opens my eyes to diverse perspectives and novel ways of seeing beauty, fun and accountability in the world.
Nothing can substitute verbally-real conversations, handwritten letters, and physically being with people. But as we all live in different zip codes and lead lives that make us wish that we had more than one body, to be allowed to share thoughts and stories (complete with photos, videos and sounds) in a space where people can just jump in to join discussions — like we were all right next to each other — is nothing short of a miracle.
Just some nights ago, I reconnected with 2 former dormmates whom I haven't seen in years. We were sharing music with each other (I love you, Spotify) and discussing how music can make things better. It was the most alive I felt in days.
In all of this, I see ubuntu in its modern form.
So am I worried about losing my newlywed friend? Not too much. :)
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Notes:
Ubuntu concept picked up from Desmond Tutu’s introduction to The Words and Inspiration of Martin Luther King, Jr.: Dream. Still looking for a copy. Please let me know if you find one.
Some interesting things on Facebook:
Humans of New York: http://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork
Hero of D Day (this one's homegrown): http://www.facebook.com/heroofdday.org
Brain Pickings: http://www.facebook.com/brainpickings.mariapopova
Wiki Ubuntu (OS and philosophy) here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(operating_system)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(philosophy)
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