THE PLAN

When I scroll through Facebook these days, I am amazed at the sheer number of weddings that can occur on a weekend. Each weekend since 2014 started, seems like someone I know gets married. 

But wait. There's more.

There are new babies, new jobs or promotions, change of zip codes, new ventures, and a whole lot of traveling. My social media feeds now are definitely a far cry from the ones I had a few years ago when concerns were mainly about finishing papers, surviving thesis defense, and upcoming exams that nobody is ready for.

And I’m not the only one who’s noticed the change. More than a couple of friends have sent me bewildered (borderline frantic) messages about the sudden influx of these big life events. Sample message: “How do they get to do that??? I don't even know what I'm doing this weekend!!!"

We knew we were getting older, but, somehow, all of this kind of crept up on us. We’re all suddenly facing the reality that we really are at that point of our existence. We’re all building our lives, or at the very least, trying to do so. 

It’s really hard not to feel antsy and pressured. Conversations among my friends and I have often boiled down to this question: “What am I doing with my life?” And with it comes four words that can turn my heart cold with anxiety and uncertainty: What is your plan?

plan, noun: a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something; a detailed map or diagram (thanks, Merriam Webster).

Uhm yes, that was actually part of the plan. (GIF from that site you always check at work - Buzzfeed)

To have one gives you direction and a sense of purpose. It veers you away from wandering around lost in life trying to find your way. In a way, it saves you time and hastens the arrival of success. Those happily working on their life plans are a joy to behold. They seem to know exactly where they’re going and how they’re getting there. It’s awe-inspiring, really, especially at a time when quarter-life crisis seems to be the in thing (it's the life force of Buzzfeed and Thought Catalog).

But plans are delicate.

I have seen people bludgeon themselves emotionally and physically trying to get their plans take off. Some become so consumed by their checklists and maps that they have been estranged from spontaneity. There are friends and acquaintances who are quite agitated because they so want to deviate from their plans but couldn’t. And barely anything is more tragic than seeing ones you love and care for suddenly plunged into a dark abyss because their plans fell apart. (See GIF above for reference.)

And what of those who can’t formulate one to begin with?

As for me, whenever I’m asked what my plan is, I find myself responding with several answers. I’m not one who would YOLO her way through life (I can't even bring myself to not make a To Do list for the day). But in all honesty, I don’t have anything fixed. I try to have one, however my "plans" morph a lot these days.

It gives me anxiety — sometimes a lot — to not have one concrete answer, but I find comfort with this thought: the more time I spend on this earth, the more I am acquainted with how life is the most surprising and ambiguous thing ever. There's no blueprint for it because it’s impossible to have one.

Every moment is unique and timing so uncanny that all I can really hold on to is the kind of person that I want to become and the missions that I want to fulfill. The most pivotal decisions in life cannot be forced into a mold, and there lies the beauty of life.

So, I’ll just have to do what I have to do (probably the best piece of advice my mom has given me). Sure, I’ve gotten stuck and stumped. Those times, I shut my eyes, take the plunge and open my eyes mid-jump, wishing very hard that I land in the right place. If I don’t, then the best I can hope for is that I have my wits about me to keep going. If it still doesn’t work, there’s always “fake it till you make it” and “oh well, that’s life.” 

In fits of extreme restlessness about my future, feelings of inadequacy, failures and heartbreaks (romantic and otherwise), my mom tells me to look at my own path thus far (I love how my mom can be so calm).

Philosophy and literature were my first choices, yet here I am with a math degree, enjoying the financial industry. I certainly did not count on that. My friends? Most so unanticipated that they’ll have posts dedicated to them. And quite recently, I did something I sort of fantasized about but never thought I’d actually do, I sang to an audience in two public places: a wedding and an outdoor mall with real people listening. I'm no Steve Jobs or Beyonce success-wise (not YET), but I think I do more than just survive and that in itself is a big shocker.

I think, too, of the many successful people whose roads are peppered with events unlooked for. Sure, they worked their asses off and were relentless, but they also tell of flexibility and trusting life.

What I work and hope for is to have a mix of two things: a general idea of where I'm going, and so much faith that I can let life do its own thing and surprise me. 

It’s a really loose plan, but that’s okay with me. Because in the end, what I want to be able to say is that I built, created, and lived a life, not that I accomplished a plan.