MUCH ADO

It cracks me up each time I read articles/lists about what people look for in potential partners. Somewhere there, you’ll most probably find “carries conversations well.”

And I just think, HERE WE GO.

Small talk seems to dominate social functions these days. Proof: I have always been clumsy with small talk (please see What Do You Do?). It was something I had to deliberately study. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one because Google gifted me with tons of hits when I looked up “how to make small talk.” The saddest thing about this is you walk away from so many people you chatted with feeling like you didn’t get to know any of them.

My guy best friend and I have lengthy discussions (at least 2 hours) about how rare good conversations are. You know those kinds that make you feel like you’ve acquired and felt so much just by talking to that other person/s? Better yet, like your soul was set on fire by another person's words.

The best kinds of conversations are the ones in which each gets to show he/she is without making the other feel bad about him or herself. Let’s put it in a less negative way: each gets to show who he/she and make them feel rewarded for having been so honest. The best conversations I’ve had were the ones that had a nice balance between listening and talking yourself.

Personally, I find silence tricky. There are times when you need to be responsive. I’d rather that he/she was responsive. Maybe it’s because I trust the wisdom of family and friends so much, I’m curious about how another person’s mind runs or i’m so embarrassed for being the one talking the most. Mostly it’s because I crave to see a point of view that doesn’t come from my personal bias.

We all like to have our voices heard. But we also like to be spoken to. Not to be dictated upon or to be told whether you’re wrong or right, or to be scolded or to be ordered what to do next. But, really, just to go through the ideas that come with the topic or the person in front of you. To me, it’s a sign that you’re making an effort to understand what was just presented and not allowing the conversation to stagnate as a one-way street. It’s tantamount to taking that brave step of showing me who you are by giving me your thoughts and deciding to verbalise them.

This is where manner begins to count. Do you talk to me in a condescending tone? A patronising one? When you take my opinions in, do you listen to them with the desire to use them as building blocks for a conversation that will evolve to something that we wouldn’t be able to think of individually? Or are you defensive or insistent only of your stand? These are questions I have to ask myself, too, if I were thrown into a conversation.

Amazing conversations are the ones held with so many ideas — either opposing or aligned to each other — that help the person become more of who he wants to become. Nobody feels unheard and nobody feels like he gave too much rendering the talk lopsided. Most importantly, each one seems to have been coaxed out of his shell to get some much needed sunlight that will illuminate the beautiful person that he is.

That’s where the biggest challenge lies, perhaps. How do you create a conversation like that? 

It doesn’t have to be intelligent talk. It can be about the most mundane things. However, you must consider the following: Are you selfless enough to be able to listen and be welcoming of others’ thoughts? How tolerant are you of opposing ideas? Are you self-aware enough that you don’t just end up agreeing with the other person? Do you respect the other person’s ability to think, so much so that you do not feel attacked when he/she voices out her thoughts? After all, there is a very thin line between being confident about your thoughts and being abrasive. It takes so much control to not steamroll another person’s feelings and ideas without being dishonest to yourself.

The manner, motivation and sincerity count the most in the execution. These are the trickiest parts. The patience with the other. The courage to bring yourself forward. 

Do this and you may have just set the ground for a conversation that could’ve ended up filled with taxing and mundane small talk. In the midst of that all, you may find what makes that person unique from everyone else you’ve met.

The funny thing is, there’s never been a blueprint for this. Sure, some people hit it off right away, but can they sustain it? There are those who were completely at odds at the beginning but evolved to be the best talking combinations I have seen. And then there are those who are on a roller coaster ride, and the ones who are just moving higher. In all those cases, conversational respect has been attained and constantly renewed.

And what’s it like finding something or someone like that? Like the universe aligned for you for that moment. It doesn't happen often. But I'd like to think it does. 

P.S. We apologize for the hiatus. The non-virtual world called. We're back now. Hope you guys missed us enough to keep coming back.