Life Milestones: A Working Girl Attempts to Date

by Justine Alim, MD-MBA

I am your typical-twenty-something-working-girl (although technically currently unemployed). Over the past 2 years, I have spent approximately 96 hours a week at the work place, with countless overnights at work. I’ve dedicated the last five months to preparing for 12 qualifying examinations that determined the fate of my professional career. On a daily basis, I can encounter up to 100+ clients, oftentimes with critical situations occurring at 3am when the team is sleep-deprived, hungry, exhausted, and out of patience. Like any working girl at the bottom of the totem pole, I suffer the wrath of my supervisors who (may or may not) think I’m idiot. I’m adored by my juniors who somehow believe I know everything (really, I just know a years’ worth of knowledge more than them). I grab beers with my colleagues at Frankie’s in Ortigas (excellent Parmesan wings) after a grueling day of work. I’m a slightly neurotic, Type A personality when necessary, passionate, ambitious twenty-something-working-girl with big dreams and a fairly decent brain to back it.

Oh, I’m also a doctor by the way. While the world assumes that this career is filled with hard decisions of life-and-death matters (which is true, except that being the youngest doctors in hospital I’m mostly watching not yet deciding), I’m mostly like any other working girl trying to learn the ropes and make a name for myself. Medical students love to bear the badge flaunting the incredible amount of stress we’re under, but the truth is everyone working hard chasing their big dream is under an incredible amount of stress. Just needed to clarify that while my situation is unique in a million ways, I’m actually a lot like you.

Now not to belittle the male gender (I know your #struggleisreal), but being a female with a career intrinsically comes with a lot of extra issues you boys don’t have to deal with. I’m a doctor, so of course I mean this in the most biological sense. Gender politics in the workplace have come a long way from our parents’ and grandparents’ generations. Traditional gender roles are constantly evolving in the setting of families where both parents work. I’m blown away by my married friends who find ways to make it work, who compromise and sacrifice to find that balance. (To all my happily married friends, I commend you on your happiness. I am sincerely jealous in an I’m-that-happy-for-you kind of way. Please keep making it work.) But this doesn’t change certain biological functions that females are required to carry out.

Thus despite with my busy life and the hundreds of things on my checklist to keep my mind preoccupied with, when I see my Facebook flooded with pictures of engagements, weddings and babies, I can’t help but sometimes on my dark days I curl up in bed and think (I’m going to be very brave right now and say this because I know you were all thinking it): I worry about my eggs drying up. The grueling part of studying the human body for 5 years is that I really know what that biological clock means. Ok eggs don’t literally “dry up”; it’s more of like the feasible ones run out after a certain age. I have an intricate knowledge of the reproductive system, fertility, and the development risks you run with each year you delay pregnancy after the age of 35. Can you see why my slightly neurotic brain can’t help but dwell on this? At the end of the day, I’m 27 and single and I have a double degree in medicine and business administration and yes I am still that girl worrying about her eggs drying up.

The point I’m driving at is that we have been raised in a world that engrains in you what I like to call The Milestone Timeline. The Milestone Timeline comes at you from all angles – family members asking you if you’re dating someone yet, the Young Adult books you read (let’s all just admit John Green’s our guilty pleasure), the romantic comedy films you watch (classic Disney princesses, I’m looking at you), that toothpaste commercial that promises you true love (which obviously equals marriage) if you have fresh enough breath and a charming smile. We are bombarded with the message that you grow up, find “the one,” fall in love, and live happily ever after. No one ever tells you the story of how the princess manages to run the finances an entire kingdom delicately balancing the supply of vegetables with the demands of the villagers while cooing her baby to sleep at night and knitting a scarf for her prince. There is no handbook for how the twenty-something-working-girl is supposed to chase her dream, get that master’s degree, cook dinner, find a husband, and still have time to go the gym. How are we ever supposed to keep up with this Milestone Timeline?!

As I pondered this one night, I discovered a rather efficient way to address this issue. I love efficiency. I call it a combination of growing up in fast-food culture + being American + having an MBA + my parent’s good sense in raising me + being a slacker that likes a lot of free time. I’m also very time poor – who has time to go on a date with a friend of a friend that I’m not even sure I have anything common with? Seriously, I could spend those precious hours showering, sleeping or eating. Medical students are basically devolved human beings after work hours, and we only have those three basic needs to survive until our next shift. During the time of my recovery-phase-post-four-year-relationship, I needed a time-efficient way to find a potential mate, I mean date. Because my eggs! I had no time to waste.

What exactly was that wonderful time efficient secret to solve my milestone dilemma? I’m going to be brave one more time and say this: online dating. Before you give me that condescending look based on your assumption that only desperate losers use online dating, hear me out. Or at least listen to my stories, have a good laugh at me, and give it a try yourself. Online dating worked for me for the following reasons:

1.  Time efficient. In the time you spend waiting in a grocery line, you can scope out 2 dozen guys online and set up a week’s worth of dates compared to 3 pieces of eye candy at the grocery store you can drool over for 15 minutes without ever talking to.
2. I’m an introvert. Because of my colorful dating track record, people assume I “have game” and they can’t wait to “see me in action” when we go out. Thank you for that Barney Stinson reputation, guys (but we all know I’m Robin). The only reason online dating worked so well for me is because as an introvert, I naturally excel at communicating through writing. So I have a pretty superb profile (I’ve been told this countless times. It’s all about the external validation!). More importantly, small talk is a life-sucker for an introvert. Knowing ahead of time that we’ll have a sundry of topics we can talk about over dinner gives me the peace of mind that we’ll probably hit it off pretty well. So when I find myself running out of breath talking instead of running out of things to say, I know I’ve met someone worth keeping around for a while. Thus, I’m endlessly charming during one-on-one conversations with the right person, but equally awkward when spontaneously meeting new people I have no common ground with.
3.  I’m complicated and fascinating and just as superficial as you are. I’ll be honest here. I put a height filter when I’m looking for matches. Being a 5’6” Filipina makes dating a real challenge in this country. Allow me this trivial superficiality. You can put whatever filter you want, be it religion, education, location, occupation, or something as silly as height. Maybe you want a 5’10” vegan astronaut who speaks Italian and lives within 10 miles from you? There are filters for that! You can look for exactly the person you think you want and no one is going to stop you. You’re allowed to say I want this and I don’t want this. I’m just not guaranteeing that you’ll find that very specific vegan astronaut you think you’re supposed to love.
4.  I’m a multi-tasker. You can date multiple people at a time in a way that fits your crazy work schedule thus increasing your chances at choosing a winner! It’s all about the work-life balance right? (Date = go to dinner or have drinks. This does NOT mean being in a committed relationship then having several girls on the side. Please don’t be that d-bag).

At the beginning of the crazing online dating adventure, I had simple goals: meet new guys outside my social circle and figure out what kind of person would be a great complement to me as a life partner. Prior to this, I had only been in one serious long-term relationship. I really had no idea what I wanted in a guy, and I figured this would be a great time to figure it out rather than 30 years down the road with 3 divorces under my belt. A few harmless awkward dates are much easier to swallow by comparison. What I didn’t realize was how much I would figure out about myself as well – my tastes, my limits, what makes me light up and keeps me interested, my ability to bounce back from rejection and heartbreak, my immense faith that decent people existed behind these online profiles. I have a novel’s worth of crazy dating stories, and if you’d like to hear them in detail feel free to call me up for drinks. For the sake of brevity, here are the highlights*:

• A bouquet of flowers was sent to my apartment after just a week of talking (just talking!) online with a guy in Los Angeles;
• A guy of unrecalled ethnicity (all I remember is that he looked like Johnny Depp, I swear) invites me for dinner on Valentine’s, unbeknownst to me, in the red light district. In a moment of self-preservation, I lie about a car breakdown and have a wonderful sushi dinner on my own;
• A tumultuous six-month pseudo-relationship with a Filipino-American in Manila somehow made me believe that falling in love again was a possibility only to devastate me a year later when I discover he’s seeing another girl. He also sang pretty well and ok he was really hot, which was probably the reason behind all of that and my semi-blind infatuation with him;
• A 6-hour coffee date with save-the-world guy eventually ends up with me dating his Australian surgeon cousin for 2 weeks (we’re all great friends after everything);
• An American social entrepreneur in Ethiopia decides to fly all the way to Manila for Valentine’s and a week vacation. We end up adventuring, dancing, laughing and wishing life could always be this easy (also still great friends until now);
• A Spanish-Indian from Norway stays up with me until 3 am talking about books, movies, religion, philosophy and life before asking me permission to kiss me;
• A kindred spirit / slightly lost boy who “just gets me” crosses my path at the perfectly wrong time in both of our lives (See Three Ingredient Pre-Requisite below. Timing is so crucial);
• Other random dates include a DJ, physical therapist, a lawyer, a missionary, a Peace Corps volunteer, a Green Beret aka Mr. Army Navy, an African-American who worked with the US embassy + a degree in chemical engineering (we all assumed he was CIA or something. We’ll never really know.) that I once baked a blueberry cobbler with (no euphemism at all there), and a gorgeous Portuguese guy I unfortunately didn’t hit it off with (we would have made the cutest babies ugh).

Needless to say, I’ve met some incredibly interesting mostly good hearted people. This brings us up to the current times. Have I made any progress on The Milestone Timeline? I graduated from medical school, so I’d like to give a resounding YES. Any future husband in sight? Nope. Am I still bothered about it? Not nearly as much as I used to be.  

To be quite honest, my career really is my priority right now. I have residency training to look forward to, patients to save, public health programs to develop, business enterprises to build. My horizon is endless! But it has never been about choosing between one or the other (career or wedded bliss), but rather finding a balance. The first step is finding the right person to help you balance it all. I’m looking for a teammate, not some love-sick boy to follow me around.

So what have I learned at the end of this crazy journey? I can’t say I’ve figured it out 100%, but through the course of this process I have developed a few theories that have held true with a 95% confidence interval when repeated under controlled circumstances. I mean, I have some theories about dating that I’ve worked out the past 2 years.

·         The Three Date Rule. When I’m getting to know someone new, in general this takes about three dates. The first one is crucial – you both need to make a good impression, establish that you have chemistry. The guy needs to show that he’s worth entertaining on a second date. If you can seal the deal here, Date 2 is a give-away. If you flop on the second date, the memory of the amazing first date will cause your potential significant other to cut you a little slack. Date 1 was fire-works, maybe Date 2 was on a bad day or had bad traffic. Basically, you can get away without putting your best foot forward here. Date 3 is when you seal the deal for real, when you decide if this dating thing should persist for a few more weeks or the dbag that surfaced on Date 2 is actually his true human form.

·         The Three Ingredient Pre-requisite = Chemistry + Compatibility + Timing. That’s it! With the right mix of these three ingredients, you have the perfect setting for potential dating spree. A lack in chemistry means you’ve stumbled upon your bro-friend not boy-friend. Without compatibility + overwhelming chemistry, expect to have a fun time flirting and fooling around. Don’t expect to have this last very long, or to have those insightful 3 am conversations. The absolute worst though is when you find someone who just gets you, that you’re irresistibly attracted to, but the timing is off – either one of you is unavailable, one of you is changing cities, your work schedules never coincide. A bit tragic, but you’ll escape harm free if you don’t get emotionally invested in someone who isn’t with you at the right time. If it was meant to be, your timing would be in sync. Take it as a big sign from the universe (Maybe you’re not seeing some of his red flags? Maybe he has too much emotional baggage? Maybe he never wants to have kids but you do?) that this is not the guy for you. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, and you can be successful with just 2/3 ingredients. Likewise even if you do have the magic 3, a real relationship takes commitment, trust, loyalty, love and a combination of a dozen other virtues.

Also, I have a few do’s and don’ts that have been reinforced through a series of double blinded random clinical trials. I mean dating attempts. Part of me subconsciously wants to say this was all done in the name of science. Here are the do’s and don’ts:

·         Have faith in people. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Give someone a chance with that first date, because the trade-off is meeting someone intoxicatingly wonderful that you can’t get enough of versus an awkward 2 hours of small talk over a couple of beers. Fairly low risk right? We’re all looking for our special kind of amazing. Give someone the chance to show you how their amazingness.

·         Don’t be stupid. These are technically blind dates with strangers, so make smart choices kids. Always make sure your first date is in a public place and let a friend know where you’ll be. Also, remember that your “no” really truly means no. Don’t get pushed around with that. Don’t be blind and stupid and let yourself repeatedly fall into abusive, hurtful, toxic relationships. Even if he buys you dinner and especially if he drives a nice car.

·         Put yourself into the opportunity lane, whether this means trying that silly online dating site that everyone is gossiping about, going to that networking event, talking to a stranger in a bookstore who is holding that book that you have loved since you remember you started loving books. The damsel-in-distress is a tired role (haven’t you seen the new Disney princesses?), but so is the damsel-in-waiting. I’m not saying chase every cute boy you see like a crazy person. I’m saying to give yourself the opportunity to meet more people. Be proactive. (Also applicable to 99.9% of life dreams).

·         One of my favorite children’s authors, Shel Silverstein, wrote this awesome book called The Missing Piece, which consequently has become the allegory in my search for “the one.” A circle with a pie piece cut out is searching for his missing piece. By the end of the book, he’s rolled around a huge hill and his missing part has been smoothened out. He’s whole now. He bumps into another whole circle, and the two of them happily roll away together. Stop looking for the missing piece, for that person you think will fix you and mend all wounds that idiots have inflicted on your heart. You need to be whole on your own. If you want to be with an amazing person, you need to bring some kind of amazing to the table. No one should have the burden of trying to fix someone or complete them.

·         Be with someone who makes you want to be a better person. Don’t settle for less. Don’t be fazed by flashy cars and wining and dining, or for something (someone) conveniently present in your life. Don’t be scared of all the crap that has happened to you in the past; accept it and move onto being a better person. Be kind to someone with a messy past, they’re probably trying to be a better person today. Don’t tolerate someone who treats you like crap. Obvious, but we all need that reminder when hormones are raging and we’re not thinking too straight. Hold out for the best, for someone that challenges you to be your best.

In a world that thrives on external validation as a marker of success particularly with this thing called The Milestone Timeline, I am here and now proclaiming that I am done. I am done chasing a pre-determined milestone timeline; I’m just making things up as I go along. At the end of the day, I’m 27 and single and I have a double degree in medicine and business administration and I am AWESOME. And my eggs will not dry out, at least not tomorrow. I want/can/will have a successful career and personal life.

To the amazing man who has yet to stumble into my wonderfully chaotic life, I am currently chasing my dreams and if you’re up for an adventure with me, then you better start chasing too. I would absolutely love to have someone along for the ride.

*Names have been omitted, but I chose to include ethnicities to show that I’m an equal opportunity dater. If you recognize yourself in this article, please know that I deeply appreciate that our lives crossed at one point and truly wish you happiness and success in your life.